Monday, June 11, 2012

Feast Or Famine

I quit working when Emma was a little over two months old.  After I left my full-time employment, I started thinking about other ways to supplement our income.  I thought about becoming a tutor and even put together a little brochure.  But a friend encouraged me to teach piano.  I went down that path for many years.  I put up signs and handed out flyers.  It was slow going in the beginning.  I discovered that for every 100 flyers I passed out, I would get one new student.  But things worked out and I eventually had over 20 students and also had students at the College of Southern Maryland.  I even had a waiting list.

When we moved here, I decided that it would not work to teach piano here.  Teachers around here are very accomplished, and it would just be silly for me to try.

So I started teaching at Neumont University.  I was so excited to teach, and then I was asked to teach more!  After looking for an opportunity for months, I felt like I could exhale.

But then the class was cancelled.  Not enough students signed up for it.  And then the people that hired me and understood my background and qualifications left the University. New people came in and they decided to make American Government a required class.  In fact, a full-time position.  But they did not know about me and hired some other lady (sigh).

But then I was hired to prepare Business Plans for a small local company.  It did not pay much but it was work that I could do at home, in my pajamas.  So that was awesome.  But then that company closed shop after I worked for them for five months.  A similar company opened in its place and they also hired me to prepare business plans.  It was great because they offered to pay me double.  But they were very slow to get that part of the business going, and when it was finally going at a great speed,  they decided to go a different direction.  So they sold that successful aspect of the business to a law firm who also hired me.  But it took a long time to get that part of the business going at the firm.  But things were looking good there for awhile, I was crazy busy, but then that law firm started experiencing problems and they are slowing down that aspect of the business indefinitely.

Good heavens. 

I am really blessed that Garry's job can cover our expenses, and we have been using my jobs to pay for extras: a trip to Disney, BYU football tickets, my gym membership, my cell phone, a construction project in the basement, a plumbing problem on the second floor.  We do not "need" my income, but after seven years of trying to make something work and be successful, well, I wish that something would work and be successful.  It is hard to start all over every few months.

But I have learned that when I am busy, I am very productive.  The stress of not being busy and wondering what "Plan B" should be is debilitating to me.  I should relish in the down time and enjoy the freedom of playing more games with my kids and getting the laundry back under control.  But, like I said, stress seems to be a bigger occupier of my time than actual work. 

Maybe that's why I go through this every few months: to learn to let go of the fear, trust that a door will open, and enjoy the moment for what it does contain.

But, to be honest, I really stink at that. Instead of having the trial of letting go of my fear, I wish I had the trial of being gracious, humble and giving in times of wealth.  That would be freaking awesome.

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